What once was beautiful and appetizing became an unsavory ball of mush. All I can think is how this cake is a mirror for my life.
Shortly after being diagnosed with recurrent miscarriages, I was pregnant again. This time, I had answers, a plan, and a few prescriptions. The days passed. I began to believe this pregnancy might last. At some point between the first 100 sticks I peed on and the last baby shower, I stopped saying “this will be our rainbow baby”. I allowed myself to say, “this is our rainbow baby”. Then, our rainbow baby was born. The months rolled by, full of feedings[Read more]
There’s a common sentiment amidst the loss community that we have a responsibility (and opportunity!) to help those who are just beginning their journey through grief. Facebook pages are a great route to do this. Some serve as communities, resource centers, or even just memorials of loved ones. I have compiled a list of my favorite Facebook pages for bereaved parents. Each of these are pages that I have followed for a while and feel like may be of help[Read more]
I am so sorry. Big deal, right? Everyone is sorry. I can’t tell you when it will get easier. It doesn’t. But I can tell you this: you are doing enough. Some people will never know the strength it can take just to open your eyes in the morning, but we do. If that is the only thing you can bring yourself to do today then please understand you have already gone above and beyond what anyone should expect of you. You’re supposed[Read more]
One of the hardest things to do after any great pain is opening up. As humans our natural response to pain is to recoil, to pull back, to hide. There is no pain that compares to the heartache of losing someone you love, especially your child. So when your rainbow comes along, even if they are wanted, planned, prayed for, it can feel easier to recoil. To ration your love in little pieces. Or, to withhold it entirely. To keep your hopes low until[Read more]
My sweet baby, How do I tell him? Do I ever explain that he is only here because you are not? He will surely notice. Even now, every time I look at him I search for you. How much worse will it be when I find myself looking past his eyes, trying to find some small piece of you inside of him to hold onto. I desperately want for you to be him, just you sent back to us. Your first trip[Read more]
It’s been a while, I know. In February when we got that positive test, I could feel it setting in. Happiness. Along with it came something I never expected. My ability to write was essentially paralyzed. During the next two months, I spent hours sitting at the computer trying to string words together. Increasingly I had less and less to show for the time I was putting in. I was terrified to open up about our life. What if I jinxed us?[Read more]
Today marks the first day of Resolve’s National Infertility Awareness Week. This year’s theme is #StartAsking. 1 in 8 couples will have difficulty in getting pregnant or sustaining pregnancy. 1 in 8 is more than just a number: It’s me, it may be you. It is our friends, our family, and our children. Now is the time to #startasking. To start asking for support To start asking for treatment To start asking for insurance coverage To start asking for reproductive health[Read more]
Changes, changes everywhere! These past two weeks have been so overwhelming; I can’t wait to tell all of you about it! (A post will be coming soon!) In the wait, enjoy these pins on hope that help me through these constant periods of waiting and unknowns.
The moment I saw those two lines for the very first time. It hit me. Love. Waves of love. I would have died for my child then and there. I didn’t need to meet them. I didn’t need to know who they would be or what they would accomplish. That was my baby, my child. The one we had dreamed about, prayed for. It isn’t the same moment for everyone, but for us, it was immediate.